Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comes out in theaters today. It’s an adaptation of a classic 19th century Russian novella… Wait, that’s not right. It’s based on a cartoon from the ’80s and ’90s about a bunch of giant turtles, which was based on a comic book. And it already had a live-action movie back in 1990. Granted, in that one the turtles were just guys in costumes because they didn’t have modern turtle-animating technology. Or Megan Fox. Just look at her up there. Greatest actress of our generation.
I don’t know about you, but I’m a little annoyed that out of all the classic ’90s cartoons Hollywood could have turned into a live-action blockbuster, they chose TMNT. There are so many cartoons I loved as a kid that would be so much more fun on the big screen. And I’m not talking about an animated movie. Most of them already had those. I’m talking about a live-action version with big stars and CGI versions of the non-human characters. Here are a few suggestions. Listen up, Hollywood. And stop making so many goddamn Chipmunks movies!
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What is there not to love about Doug? That’s a trick question, because the answer is obviously “Nothing.” Can you imagine how fun this movie would be? Obviously Quailman would have to make an appearance. Ouch, nostalgia. But really, if Zoe Saldana can have green skin in Guardians of the Galaxy, surely we can do it for Roger Klotz.
2. The Powerpuff Girls
This could go one of two ways. One, we get a few precocious child actresses to play the title characters and digitally enlarge their eyeballs. Or we just make them completely CG. Either way, I think we can all agree that nobody but Jon Hamm should play Professor Utonium. I’ll give you a second to recover from your mind being blown.
3. Hey Arnold!
This show means so much to me, you have no idea. I’m pretty sure it raised me. To this day I still say, “Suzie, make me a sandwich” with absolutely no context whatsoever. Also Helga is my spirit animal. This needs to be a movie. We’ll figure out the best way to make someone’s head look football-shaped when the time comes. Don’t worry about it right now!
This one’s just begging to be made live-action because there are no anthropomorphic animals or people with strangely shaped heads. Just a bunch of normal kids doing hilarious things. If Hollywood needs some ideas, they should just watch this live-action remake of the opening.
5. The Wild Thornberrys
This one would be so straightforward to adapt. You just film it on location in Africa and get Andy Serkis to play Darwin. It’s so easy. Let’s have it in theaters by next Friday, okay?
6. The Magic School Bus
There are so many famous redheaded actresses out there who could play Ms. Frizzle, and Hollywood still hasn’t just made this already? And there are endless opportunities for trippy visual effects. It would be like Across the Universe, but with child endangerment.
7. Pinky and the Brain
If we can make all those movies about chipmunks, we can make movies about these rodents. One is a genius and the other’s insane. What more could you want from a movie?
8. Rocko’s Modern Life
This is another show that really shaped me as a child. But if you asked me to explain it to you now, I wouldn’t know what the hell to say. Looking back, it was extremely disturbing. Which makes it the perfect inspiration for a really weird art film. It’ll win Best Picture, you mark my words.
9. Aaahh!!! Real Monsters
So this is kinda sorta the same thing as Monsters, Inc. Except in this the monsters are actually scary. I’m pretty sure they were responsible for 75% of my nightmares as a child. The other 25% were caused by frozen pizza bagels that were still a little cold in the middle after you cooked them. Shudder.
10. Dexter’s Laboratory
Everyone loves a child genius. Is anyone else thinking what I’m thinking? Because I’m thinking the Apparently Kid would be perfect for this role. If you still don’t know the Apparently Kid, and fix that immediately. He’s going to be a star.