Before she shadily sipped her drink in response to Justin Bieber’s performance at the iHeartRadio Music Awards this weekend, Taylor Swift went to Disneyland with squad member Lily Aldridge and her 3-year-old daughter Dixie. Based on Taylor’s Instagram, the three of them had a lot of fun. Taylor’s bodyguard, on the other hand, was determined not to.
One of the rides the group enjoyed was Radiator Springs Racers in Cars Land. Taylor posted the above picture from the ride on Instagram, captioning it, “Disney with the girls.” And also the guy with the sunglasses and earpiece in the back who, if I didn’t know any better, I would assume had been Photoshopped into the image as a joke. Because really, that dude looks like he should be in the dictionary next to the word “bodyguard.”
How is it even possible to look that devoid of joy on a Disney ride? I get that — in much the same way reality contestants are there to win, not to make friends — he’s there to protect the ladies from danger, not to have fun. And I admire his dedication to the job, I really do. But I don’t think it would pose an immediate threat to anyone’s safety if he cracked a smile. He can be happy and also vigilant at the same time. This isn’t Buckingham Palace. It’s Disneyland. Also known as the happiest place on earth. Lighten up, man.
Also, this is sort of unrelated, but I’ve honestly never really felt a desire to be a member of Taylor’s squad until now. It just seemed like it would be so much work to keep my legs at least a mile long and bake so many goddamn cookies from scratch. But if membership comes with a trip to Disneyland, I might have to rethink things. What would my nickname be in the “Bad Blood” video? Binge Watcher? Mrs. Potato Head? Nap Time? Okay, I’ll work on it.